Carol’s Carnival of Crazy

by Carol Hess on September 8, 2011

I’ve had one of those roller coaster weeks. 

There have been some great high points.  The kind that convince you you’re on the right path and going in the right direction.  Some little dreams are coming true, and a big one is starting to seem downright achievable.  Woo hoo! 

These peaks of the roller coaster ride remind me there’s a plan for me and my life that feels pretty damned wonderful right about now.  And that’s exactly the reminder I need to keep on keeping on. 

And then there have been the dips and valleys on this week’s ride.  Old unhealthy relationship dynamics, ancient resentments I swear go back further than just this lifetime, old wounds open and bleeding again.  My same old stuff is coming around for another spin.  

I’ve traded in my roller coaster for a ride on the merry-go-round,  only it ain’t so merry.  I want off, and I can’t get off.  Correction:  I won’t get off.  

And then I do.  I step off and to the side where I watch the unmerry-go-round spinning around and around without me.  Relief.  Why didn’t I step off sooner?  Because I didn’t know how.  Now I do. 

Roller coasters, unmerry-go-rounds.  What’s next in Carol’s carnival of crazy?  Will it be the dreaded Ferris wheel? 

I was on a Ferris wheel once that stopped just as my gondola had reached the very tip top.  And the wheel stayed stopped for what seemed like an eternity.  I’m petrified of heights, so I was not happy.  I wanted down!  Immediately! 

My companion thought it was a good opportunity for some high-in-the-sky necking.  Boy, was he ever wrong!  When he leaned in for a kiss, the gondola started swinging, and I started screaming.  I don’t like it when my world starts to rock, not even if it’s a good kind of rock.  And rocking at the top of a Ferris wheel in a gondola is not my idea of a good kind of rock. 

Let’s face it.  The rides aren’t my favorite part of the carnival.  But I sure do love the food!  It feels good to hunker down with some fried something or other and a super sweet soft drink, when you’ve been riding life’s roller coaster up and down. 

Which makes it a downright miracle that I didn’t go to the food this week.  When my feelings get strong – whether they are pleasurable or uncomfortable doesn’t matter – I’m going to do some serious eating.  That’s my usual modus operandi

But not this week – a fact I didn’t even realize until my weight loss coach pointed it out.  Of course I’m pleased I didn’t overeat in reaction to this week’s roller coaster ride.  But I’m more pleased that I didn’t even think about eating.    

That tells me food and eating are taking a backseat to living, and that’s been my goal all along.  I’m not sure because this is all so foreign to me, but I think that’s the way people who have a healthy relationship with food behave.  Food is just part of life, not the whole shooting match.  That’s their normal.  I’m starting to believe it could eventually become my normal too. 

So perhaps my relationship with food is changing.  But I can tell you one thing that will never, ever change.  I’m never going to like making out at the top of a Ferris wheel.  I’m just saying . . . .

by Carol Hess


Categories Life Balance, Relationship with Food, Stress Management

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