How Did I End Up Here?

by Carol Hess on April 13, 2011

Do you ever look back at a decision you made and wonder what on earth you were thinking?  I do all the time. 

Actually, I used the word “decision,” but I don’t think that word really applies to most of my life.  I seem to have charted my life course by default rather than by decision.  Or maybe it was decision by default. 

Whatever you want to call it, I hardly had a focus or direction or plan or map by which I steered my life.  I was pretty much a rudderless boat just floating along and going whichever way the current and wind took me. 

So how the hell did I end up here?  Because “here” feels like it’s exactly where I’m supposed to be.  Here I am – 60 years old, divorced, no children, living in southern Maine, writing a blog, and about to enter into what feels like the most exciting time of my life. 

Of all the places I could have ended up, of all the things I could be doing, of all the people I could have turned out to be – how the hell does my inside reality feel so right when my outside reality looks so wrong?  And then I remember the years I spent feeling so wrong on the inside and looking.  

Today my heart tells me I’m exactly where I am supposed to be.  I’ve just graduated from the Advanced School of Life.  I’ve been handed a rag woven out of faith and trust with which to polish my star and a pristine, virgin white canvas upon which to paint the passions and dreams my star illuminates. 

And how am I going to polish my star?  By writing the next great book that will change the lives of millions?  By traveling to an exotic country to study with a guru?  By embarking on a relationship with the long-awaited love of my life? 

No, I’m going to polish my star by writing the next great blog about – drumroll please – adopting a healthy lifestyle.  By traveling to an exotic country called – drumroll please – Self Care Land.  By embarking on a relationship with my long-suffering and often ignored – drumroll please – body. 

I can make fun of me and my blog all I want, but you know what?  This is a very big deal for me, this self care/healthy lifestyle thing.   (Maybe that’s why I’m making fun of it — because it is such a big deal.)  If I want to step into the center of the room, allow myself to be seen, play big, let my light shine – then this is what I need to do next. 

What do you need to do next?  How will you be polishing your star?  What are you painting on the canvas of your life?

by Carol Hess

4 comments

Categories Healthy Lifestyle, Personal Empowerment, Self Care

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

avatar Monica Dennis April 13, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Right now it’s 11:47 p.m. and the next thing I need to do is go to sleep! 😛 But I am awake waiting on another video to finish uploading, which is one of those next steps – become more visible despite wanting to stay out of sight. Back in the 90s when my business partner and I had a germ of an idea and got our start by talking to SCORE counselors, it was mentioned to us that we want to put out the most professional image possible as opposed to coming across like a mom-business. LOL! That was only ’97 I think. We went against our admittedly questionable instincts and agreed because what did we know?! Now it’s all about tossing that aside and just letting our light shine as is. I am all about doing with and for your business the things that feel right to and for YOU just the way I’ve always done for myself personally. As I tell people, if it feels peaceful, that’s the path for you. Won’t necessarily be the easy path but it’s sure to be rewarding.

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avatar Carol Hess April 14, 2011 at 10:25 am

Another night owl! :) Isn’t it a relief to just be yourself and know that’s the best thing you can do for your business (to say nothing of yourself)?

I’ve got a photo of myself dressed up in my navy blue sincerity suit (I hate suits!), my hair styled just so, the layers of makeup masking the real me, and grinning like a corpse in front of my trade show booth. That’s what I thought it took back then. I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Thank heavens we grow wiser, right? I love what you said, Monica, about if it feels peaceful, then that’s the path for you. I’m so glad you’re stopping by and sharing your thoughts and wisdom with us, Monica. Thank you.

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avatar Sandi Amorim April 16, 2011 at 12:38 am

Carol,
This post touched me in so many ways. It really IS time to allow yourself to be seen, and most especially to let your light shine. We’re waiting with bated breath to see what arises.

xoS

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avatar Carol Hess April 17, 2011 at 2:03 am

Me too! (Waiting with baited breath, that is! :)) Thanks, Sandi, for helping me polish my star.

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